I'll take a step at a time. I know you will do it again. Please give me sometime to absorb everything that you've said. I'm too shagged to have a quarrel over th same matter. Have your mind and soul to set everything out.
Despite everything, I will lay low for it. And I won't be shy to say it either. I love you.
Some may have read it somewhere and me too have stumbled upon it long time ago. And I stumble upon it again, so I decide to share with you people.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you”. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly, I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.
"I want a divorce". I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why"?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.
Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and though it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she had to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed.
So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, “daddy is holding mommy in his arms”.
His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the floor, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; “don’t tell our son about the divorce”. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realize that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized that she was not young anymore. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graving! Our marriage had taken its tolls on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me. She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head, our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mum out”.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arm, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much light weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms, I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy”. I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs.
Dew opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore”. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” she said.
I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Dew,” I said, “I won’t divorce”.
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until deaths do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears, I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you our every morning until deaths do us apart”. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face. I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
I would definitely go for cats. Because they are cute. No matter how big their size are. But for dogs, I would prefer puppies. All the big big dogs, I swear it got me panic whenever they walked past me or anything. What else? Since I was brought up as a Muslim, I am not allowed to touch dogs. So then, that is the reason why I did not like dogs.
I got my bill paid just now. Thank you mommy. Some people call me a spoilt brat because everything that I want, I could get it in split seconds. But that is never true to me. I really need to work hard for it. Love doesn't come on its own unless you start giving. You'll never get unless you start giving. So does it goes to me. I need to work hard, like study hard, prove to my mother and everyone that exist that I can do it. And never do something, expecting something in return, that will never happen brother.
I need to find a job. Mom's birthday is next month. TP is next month, on my nephew's birthday. Graduation ceremony is next month. Alot of things happen next month. And I is kanchiong because I have not even prepare a single thing! GOSH! No work, no money. HOW? Korek jubo ciom uh. Ok bye.
Thought of You @5:57 PM
Monday, April 26, 2010'♥
Life is such a bore. Waiting and waiting is really a waste of time. I really need to find a part-time job at least before settling down in a full-time scope. If not, I will keep on eating and do nothing at home. This can't be happening! Oh my. I've yet to settle a lot of thing, Especially my bills which is 4 months due. Thanks eh!
Thought of You @4:20 PM
Saturday, April 24, 2010'♥
And I'm back to home sweet home.
I don't really care how badly I am judged at, because the fact that they do not know the real me. It is a disappointment when I don't get my say, over the fact that you need to know the whole truth. I'm fine, I'll live with it. But as much as you want to know, I still have all the evidence for reference. I'm not a bitch who go around destroying people's relationship. But some people just have to twist and turn stories so that you can go on believing. I am not close to you at all, but as a woman I must say, we share the same heart and thoughts over something/someone. Do we have to go on hurling wild accusations? I think you need to listen to the other party to get the conclusion right. If you think I am writing bad things about you again, I am not now. I want to get things clear. And since I don't get my say, I guess this is the only way to reach you. I know you are done with me/over the issue, because truth hurts. But its better to know the truth than you live your life in denial. Of course, I am here to stand for my right.
If not, I'mma let things go. I know it's a waste of time dwelling about this because it is none of my concern but when things got into a chaos, I need to stand for my right rather than bullshitting my way throughout the scene. I will try my best to let things go no matter how I am badly cursed at, because God knows the whole truth. It is okay, and I'm not trying to say that I ni alim-ulamak mana lah kan, but basic things like be patient this and that, I know and I respect it.
You have your mind to think, so think it through.
Thought of You @2:21 PM
Thursday, April 22, 2010'♥
Currently, I'm at Love's home. He's bathing while I'm stoning. I can't wait to meet up with the rest. It has been quite some time that I never get the chance to chill around with the awesome people. Not forgetting, my babies. I hope to gather you guys again before graduation. We need to do a little celebration for ourselves, for the friendship that has bring us to. I really enjoy my stay in RP, moreover meeting great great people like you guys. No words could express how thankful I am to meet people like you. We share, we care and we grow up together in becoming a better person. I love you guys a lot. I appreciate all the things that you have done for me. Throughout the thick and thin, the laughter and sorrow. People, meet up soon okay?
It's funny when I come to think about it. I never had my say, so let it be.
Thought of You @8:54 PM
I miss the whole bunch of humans right there. It was really a waste when I only get close to them on the 8th day of our trip in Korea. The most greatest thing was when I actually found out that Pei Yi was my junior when we had our last dinner at Korea. It was really hilarious and also an unforgettable moment for me. Dickson and Melvin is really gentlemen I must say. The fact that they were there to accompany mel and me shopping.
Now, I miss Korea. Not for the food or anything else, but the weather there is awesome. I don't perspire there, at all!
I am currently looking for a job but all like don't want me like that. HOW? oh my, I can't give up, can I? Gotta work hard so that I can achieve what I've been longing for.
Oh my, though I am literally not engaged to any activities at home, I have no concrete reason as to why I am all shagged today. I did not attend much of house chores today. I guess I slept more than required. Fuck it, ain't in a mood to blog.
I dont know why whenever I'm at JB, I will always have to cry, calm down and everything. oh gosh, I am all lost over your words.
Thought of You @11:05 PM
I need yogurt to freshen up my day. I swear I am dying sitting and do nothing at home. I need Jack Daniel tomorrow.
Thought of You @4:08 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2010'♥
I may not have the time to share with you people about my trip to Korea. I really had a great time there together with the rest of the students. I was 'cuture shock' when a meal was served on the first day there because I am so not used to the food there and moreover it looks all deceiving. Some of the food, I have to tell the truth that some of the meals are not up to my liking but what to do, I have no other choice.
I have learnt alot during my stay there. Also the visits to the universities and the companies' factory was awesome. I saw in real life how car was made, how TV was invented this and that, I was really amazed as to how the technology has made our life easier.
I would say Seoul is awesome. I can go crazy shopping, I tell you. All the things sold are at its reasonable place. Make-ups are heaven! I swear they are way way cheaper than Singapore.
And there are few things which I like about them; 1. Their country are way cleaner than what we can ever think of despite how big the country is. 2. They are really eco-friendly. 3. Their food are way healthier than us. Too much vegetables till I cannot take it okay. 4. The air is more refreshing!
But I can't stand it when they just bump into you accidentally or not, they won't apologise. They have no basic manners. I swear I hate that part the most.
And I can't stand how the facilitators in-charge take care of our welfare. I swear they fucken spoilt my mood most of the time. They are effing irresponsible. Think so much of the school's reputation, I know I made my mistakes and apologised. But what did you guys do? You guys managed to laugh when everything that happened is not a laughing matter. Just what the fuck you guys are there for? OMG. Even they bring me to places where pork are sold. I swear I will never forgive that. You are not respecting me as a Muslim there. So much of you convincing our parents, NO PORK AND LARD, where is it by the way? Food for muslims are hard to find there? EXCUSES.
Hello world. I'm sorry for I seldom update my blog these days. I have been busy for the past three days. On Friday, I went to practical and after which Love fetched me and helped me out in taking my things at my sister's house. Then I went to his home and chill around. After which, we had our early dinner over at Amin's Foodstall. Time really past by fast whenever I meet him. He sent me off to my Grandma's house to meet my brother-in-law and back to home sweet home. On Saturday, I accompanied my sister the whole day at Singapore and JB. I was really shagged when I reached home. On Sunday, I was really bored at home. I decided to cut my hair, especially the split ends and the dried hair. And my aunt actually gave me a large sum of money that I decide to re-bond my hair instead and highlight them. I miss my perm though, but I miss my wavy hair the most. I have no pictures to share, sorry about that. And I think tak perlu eh. LOL.
Alhamdulillah, everything is going on smoothly. I hope it will remain this wayyy. And please, lets not have a tiff over small things, I is super tired about it. No one can ever replace you baby. You are still the best in my heart though. I don't care what people say, because I'm in love with you.
And Farhan, Happy Advance 21st! Good luck in your future endeavours and may God Bless you. All the secrets we shared, I will still keep to it, my friend. I just hope to see you happy. I know a lot of things happened, and before you want or wish to explain, its okay, cause I don't need it. I'm fine with it. Don't worry, I respect people's decision. But you know me, I always come clean. And make sure this time kao graduate eh.
And to people who may think yang I ni step gerek, Sorry uh orang yang tak gerek. Didn't your mom tell you not to play with fire?
Thought of You @10:20 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2010'♥
I wish I could scream in your ears up for no reason. Okay merepek.
What do I achieve today? N-O-T-H-I-N-G I stone-d 3/4 of the day at home. Too much time wasted already. But I think I did something meaningful like filling up resumes and hunt for jobs via internet. It was really tiring but I hope it helps.
What else? Oh yes, I know I shouldn't say this but somehow it's no more a surprise. I've booked TP!; next month. I hope I can do it.
I'll be having a graduation ceremony on the 11th May. I so cannot wait to get my certificate because I want the transcripts badly should there be any interview. Wearing the robe together with my friends. I could foresee what is going to happen. Sure to have excitement and tears of joy. BUT.. I've yet to buy something formal for myself. AND I am officially broke cause Dad did not give me my monthly expenses. So have yet to wait this and that. Oh my!
Guess what, I was so bored just now that while I was chatting with Love, I was like persuading him to go club with me tonight. Then he say not today and I tried every means to convince him. It's not really a place for me and him but I like the songs and nothing else. And then he said this, "You have my permission to go club with your friends today, I won't be mad." I am not happy with that. You know why?? Because all my kakis' school today and they have lesson tomorrow. FML.
I'll be stoning again tonight trying to get sleepy. Tomorrow I have prac again and meet LOVE!
Today, my best friend, my boyfriend, and I were watching a movie. The movie got boring and the lights were out, so I fell asleep. When I woke up, I went into my room and found my best friend and my boyfriend asleep naked in MY bed. FML
Today, I told my parents that I was pregnant. I'm 16. While my mom looked shocked, my dad started to chuckle. When I asked why, he said, "It's funny that someone would want to sleep with you." FML
Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML
Today, I had sex for the first time. The guy was so "ungifted", I'm technically still a virgin. FML
I'll look up on it more for sharing purposes. LOL!
Omg, for no apparent reason, I have a stomache ache when I just had my meal just now. Love was sweet lor, he suap me, despite his mom around. I is malu. Lucky that we talked things out yesterday night and I hope everything will turn out fine. Don't bear grudges okay, baby. No good for your mind, soul and spirit and whats not. Stay calm and be happy always. No time to fight as we have a lot of things to laugh at in this world. Why frown? Put on that smiley face. And I love you.
My brother called me and asked me to go over to his house to celebrate the wife's birthday. I'm still contemplating on it. I like loser if I go there alone. Oh my god, but I so miss my brother. One thing about me, I can never make up my mind. Annoying tao jadi perempuan!
Had my practical lesson just now. I love the ramp lor. Dah macam bawa lorry wohhh. HAHAHA! Dah lah, I semangat due minit only to talk her and there, abeh now lazy to type cause sakit perot. Update soon yaw humans!
I am too tired to wait when I know it will be to no avail. I don't wish to irritate you either by calling and calling. Since, you can't even spare a thought for me, I've got nothing to say either. You have the right to be mad at me, but it's not a good idea because you are dwelling about it for too long. I don't how to pacify you, comfort you. I have tried and I don't know the result yet. I don't know what more can I do to make you smile again. I know I need to make it all up to you, but I've tried my best didn't I? And in the end, I get all these in return. As must as you said I deserve this, I'll suck it in. I am all forlorn and I'm at my most unbelievable state of mind that this is to happen when we have better things to deal with. And I can't believe we drag the matter for so long. Oh my God, why of why baby?
I want to talk to you, but I couldn't find the perfect time either. I don't how to start all these again, I'm not used to us fighting since we have not for a period of time. How to handle these? I hope you are there, when I come around to meet you. Please, don't put this to a disappointment.
I miss you, Hamirul Hasraff.
Thought of You @9:52 PM
This was something random. I was Fb-ing, looking through my friend's profile and I tried on this thing called; The hidden meaning behind your name. So I tried mine, and it kinda snap me on the face cause if you all notice, I am not mentally stable with my relationship.
So I tried typing love's name down and view the results. I find it true though. "Kamu tidak suka pujian dan suka mendiamkan diri. Sikap ini amat disenangi oleh teman-temanmu. Mungkin sikapmu itu menjadi teladan bagi mereka."
Don't ask me why the fuck I do that. I feel so hopeless with myself. I am a stalker every now and then hoping for something but there was never a miracle for me. What a luck! I wish he is here so that I can share my laughter and sorrow together. I just called his home and was acknowledged about him sleeping. I know, he is back to his old him, dammit. I miss the chance. I shouldn't have done that to him.
I miss my, "Mr. Nice Guy". I hope he will take note of it. Tear up my heart and think through it carefully. Come on, I am so tired of us brooding about the same old thing. Have we not draw any conclusion to it? please lah baby. Please Please please please. I surrender, you win. I can't afford to lengthen the matter with someone whom I love. I made a mistake, am i ego and not make things up to you. I pujok, I tried every means seh, but you jual mahal. Come on lah, its a small matter kan. Ya allah.
Before I say a thing, I would say I miss that lady in the picture. Its been quite some time that I never had the chance to meet her. Moreover, school reopens on Thursday, so the chances of me getting to meet her is low. But I really hope I could meet her during the weekends together with the rest.
Well, ever since my return, I sense something has changed. Yes, it maybe none of their business but it is for me though I am not close to the person in the first place. I am really wondering what happen to Affan that I rarely get the chance to meet him. Love said that he has started working and busy with his life. Since, I was conveyed that way, I will always pray the best for him. Hope he succeed in everything that he do. Well, I wish we could always gather like before. I am affected, you see, even the slightest thing. And here you go. Yes, I admit for not being myself these few days. I blamed myself for having all the insecurities when I am not around you. I know how fucked up you feel that you wish you-could-shout-right-at-my-face-to-wake-the-hell-out-of-me-and-remind-me-that-you-have-always-been-true. I know, it sucks to be in that situation. But, I know you know me better in every ways and you know the reason as to why I behave in such a manner. I guess there isn't a need for me to elaborate on it right baby. I am so sorry for being judgmental, selfish, you name it. I'll take in everything that you have said/going to say. This is not like your first time knowing that I love you right. I mean, I've always convey things clear out to you that I love you and I myself wouldn't want to trade you over someone else be it that human has all the money in the world and muke die lagi awesome dari Christiano Ronaldo. I don't need the handsome face, the money, the assets, the luxury life in a person. All I need is the true love from someone whom I love so much. I don't need anything else to make the world spinning around. I don't have all the beautiful Romeo words with me to make you fall for it. I only have my actions, the hugs and kisses to make you know how deeply I am in love with you. I know I am not myself ever since my return. I know how I screw things up and I really do not mean to hurt you or anything alright. Right from the start baby, from the time I know you, from the time I lay my first kiss on you, I know I will always love you.
You know what, I still remember myself laying by the cemented seats with you side by side, star gazing together. And I still remember the hand signals you gave to me and I pretend to not know a thing. When my heart actually says, " I'm always yours, Hamirul Hasraff" Forgive me for everything that I've done, right from the start till this very seconds. I do not mean to hurt you or anything. I am just a human and could not run away from making mistakes. I am still growing up and learning. Forgive me, baby. I wanna lead this life with you. You should have known better sayang.
Yes I know it comes to a point where I will be demoralised again and again. People change, you agree? So do I? I changed to becoming a better person. I don't wish to cling on to the past that I had, please forgive me. I hate it so much, that I will cry, too much of a disappointment with myself. You don't know how it feels to live my life that way which I don't wish either. Please don't take it as a strong point to you to get me all loosen up and surrender. I still have my pride, my dignity. I would thank you if you could pay some respect to that at the very least. I am feeling all useless, helpless. But this is what God has stated down for me, and I need to face it. You think I want it so much, I don't, for goodness sake. I feel all disgusted with myself. Do you ever know that? I can't run away from reality, from fate. I will accept all the sarcasm made by people, because I changed and not dwell on it so much. But please, give me a chance, like how God always give to all His followers, after all mistakes made. I am just a human, I can't be perfect. You just don't have to bring me down with your words. You don't have to.
I am really glad for we have made this far in upholding this relationship.
I hope to counting down more days and months and years! with you sayang :)
You have stolen my heart right from the start.
And even if I tried to run away from it, this heart says,
"you are the one."
I love you, only you Hamirul Hasraff
Thought of You @7:56 PM
All these uploading of pictures is really a waste of my time.
Thought of You @5:14 PM
I don't know why I can't upload pictures by using MF browser.
It states, " error. Click here for details."
I click on it but I can't understand even a single thing
So, I have no other choice but to use IE instead.
Whenever I want to upload pictures, there will always be an unexpected event.
That's the reason why I hate to do all of these, because I'm sure to be impatient.
And I have lots of pictures to upload please. Don't annoy me with anything for now.
And I'm down with diarhea and I don't know what I've actually eaten till I'm the one who get it alone. I tried to recall what I've eaten but I don't know what exactly it is. Nevermind, I have to live with it. I'll be talking again soon. :)
Thought of You @4:18 PM
Tuesday, April 06, 2010'♥
And now I wish I'm not home. It's contradicting from my previous post. But that's just how I feel when I lost my money.