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Tuesday, July 31, 2007'♥

thanks for the memories ais.
you will always be in my heart.
im sorry for my previous entry.
i know it is killing you alot.
i have no one to turn to but blog when im down.
since i am no longer with you, you tekkaire of yourself aite?
you should have think before attempting it darling.
now, it takes both hands to clap.
and i have to agree to it even though it is hard for me to lose you.
its okei for me to make you smile, but mi suffering.
since we are no longer together, take care fo urself ok?
so long and goodnyte.
im sory for i failed to take care and be a good gf to you.
i have my imperfections so i take a step back and give in way to you.
let time do the talking ok syg?

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you

from elliot yamin - LOLx.
so jiwang.
but some words, i mean it.
i have to move on
i have to move on
i have to move on
take care.
dont tell mi i can overcome it at a short period of time.
you wont know wads deep down in my heart ok ais?
so dont jump to conclusion.
you might see mi slacking enjoying with guys and hood.
but deep down, youre the one who conquer it all.
this heart; it beats; beats for only you.

eee.. i sound so jiwang.
ok
gtg!
out with faizah soon!
watch movie!
ALONE.
simpsons anione? still waiting =))

Thought of You @10:56 AM



Monday, July 30, 2007'♥

gloomy monday for a start . the moment i step into the class; there goes the story-telling session .
it makes me infuriated by her actions but i manage to control my anger .i dont retaliate because i think she deserved to be respect by people . so sometimes ' things are better left unsaid ' ! my faiclitator is a tongue-twister; she would twist people mind with her twisted words .
it seems so irrational when she nags .


on friday, i woke up late .stupidity conquers all . i slept late last night and i silent my phone . so there goes my day . sleeping at home . thought of not meeting him on that day. i dont know why . he called me, and we ended up meeting . thought we are going to smile, but we ended up in tears . i may be at fault for it and thanks for making me up . but, ure just wrecking up the past . ok, forgive and forget . the word i would be hearing to in order to stop fighting . no conclusion, no nothing . so thats it !

saturday is even worst . a great outing with his cousins i must say . and thanks all for the splendid day ! going back home, was another hell of a thing . he didnt talk to me in the train . i sense something is wrong . come on. i aint stupid . i have been with you for a solid 8 months so dont tel me im unsure about the real you . let it be . it was a hazard !

sunday, i thought a day for us ! but, he have to finish up his project. so its ok. the plan for simpson was all cancelled. and im so downcast by that. i was hoping for it.
you know how it feels when you dont get what you're craving for ? thats how i feel . so now im left with nothing but disappointment . i want simpsons baby ? can i ?
my life is so dull . i hate posting about the sorrow-ness . i want to be happy la OI!
wil you love me the way u used to?



Thought of You @9:44 AM



Thursday, July 26, 2007'♥

It looks like I’m not in the mood to rant today. I am so busy with my things that I don’t have the time to do other stuff like blogging. Well, my brain cells are not working today. There are tons of things to brood about but I don’t how to structure them. So I guess, I’ll start as per normal.

Well, yesterday, I fetched him straight after school. Then, together we head off to ITE SIMEI with the other peeps. We thought we were late but eventually, when we reached TANAH MERAH, the other were still there and were waiting for the bus. So we headed off as a whole. Walking down the overhead bridge I saw my ex boyfriend. And I just managed to smile. I don’t wish to have any conflicts. And when I walk away, I heard him say,’ bagos uh! jalan cepat2 tk ya dating sini salam orang.’ First thing that come into my mind is, is it necessary for me to go there and just say HI or something? And can’t you give a me a little bit of your understanding that I’m with my boy friend? What ever it is, it seem so can’t-be-bothered. Shiddiq, you so merepek ok? Well, back to the game ; we were leading 2-0 during the first half but unfortunately, we were thrashed 4-2 at full-time. Utter disappointment but it is just a game right? So, one have to lose or draw during the game. Anyways, the way the NFA-17 peeps played were so violent. Oh my GOD! They pushed people away like none of their freaking business. Seems like they don’t have the sportsmanship and it wasn’t a fair play. Well, BULLS you scored two! Not bad you know after a week of not training. So keep it up alright? I’m here to support you guys! Well, in the bus back home! It was crazy! I laughed my heads off when they cracked up LAME jokes. Well, nazri, happy belated anniversary with tira! May you guys last long! And to you too yana! Hapi 1 year 8 months aite? Tkmo gado slalu tao. Pok ehk menjeng2. HAHA. SERONOK ~.

And today marks our 8 months anniversary. I must say that I’m proud as I am still able to stand till today and having you by my side makes my life feel so complete! You have come into my life and made a deep impact. You have changed me to be a better girl. And I am proud of it! We have gone through thick and thin in this relationship but that doesn’t stop me from loving you. The quarrels we had made me understand you and want to love you more! Thanks for being there for me when I’m in need. You keep me reminding of you every seconds of my life. Having you by my side is never regret. I hope that today will be my luckiest month! Get what I mean? So we’re going out later or Sunday? Decide aite?

OK GO.

Thought of You @9:59 AM



Wednesday, July 25, 2007'♥

i went for a jog for six rounds at the stadium. not forgetting 40 sit-ups.
it has been so long since i last run at the track.
and now, what im left with is, MUSCLE pull at my tight and stomache.
thanks for that motivation dearie.
*went home and there goes the discussions.
i went to my room and do a little bit of studying.
while the rest are negotiating.
and im all SHAGGED ok baby?
i slept at 1 am.

im having maths and computing right now. golden ratio!
like what the heck?
class was okei.
slack-ed with my hood.
yana didnt come for two days.
hope shes okei.
whatever it is, im here for you ok girl?

and baby!
i cant wait to meet up with you today!
and all the best for ur game aite?
ill support you man!
dont you worri cyg.













Thought of You @11:15 AM



Monday, July 23, 2007'♥

reached school at 930.
'peng' to facilitator dat i went to have a brekfast with my syg yana.
but actually both of us are LATE okei?
so last-minute; have to send haikal to sch? kak ija balik okei?
im so obssessed with the word OKEI.
i noe it is irritating. shush. ill stop it.

weekend is great! thanks to hubby! bie, nk jln2 lagi la. hee.
till when my mother, pissed me off.
'some things are better left unsaid'.

aniwae, he did not have ani training for the whole week. notty ehk. haha.
but it is great la as i can spend more time with him.
he'll be bz dis week i guess. and ill try to understand you more ok bb?
dun tell mi i neglect you ok?i just want to understand you and be my OLD me ok syg?

anywae, apologise fotr my words. that was so crazy of me. i shoudnt do that to you.
i should have understand the way you lead your life.
im being TOO emotional. it seems so ridiculous!
i hate myself la sei!
bb, you'll have me by ur side. ill support you no matter what from behind.
i love you so much la.
i hav a letter for you tao.
kalo u online den mi pass u ok?
chat with you soon ok?
byebye =p



Thought of You @11:49 AM



Thursday, July 19, 2007'♥

first and foremost, congratulations to Aliff Aziz cause your effort is fruitful man! now you've got what you have been craving for but dont ever neglect your frens and loved ones k? dont let popuarity conquers the OLD you. MELAYU BOLEH!

reminiscing those days makes me smile. the day when i fetched fareez back home from thailand. i met him in school. it was a las-minute planning and my frens ask mi to come down and help them perform. be the vocalist. then at the back stage, i saw this guy. but he kept quiet. i ignored him. den he started talking to me. after performance, he asked mi along to the shop with his other friends and my friends and help him buy something. hah. so we sit around, grab some stuff. he wanted to exchange nos. but i was hell devoted with fareez till i dont dare to take the risk. and im afraid that my no. is spam by him since i only knew him for only a day. dont get me wrong, but im afraid la. we cant put much trust right?

and now, he is somewhere, well-known. i wish i could be like him one day. stage-fright; i can never overcome them. from me to you : may you succeed.

baby, i know that was a terrible fght. i admit, it is not easy to forget everything COMPLETELY. same here. it takes time to heal. well, i was hoping that things will heal and not be worst as the days goes by.
i just wanna tell you that i love you. im sorry for my harsh words in the previous entry. please dont take it to heart. you dont want me to complain to others, so i jotted it in notepad. i dont wish any misunderstanding between us. i know it bleeds whenever we fight. but the least you can do is to work things out and not ignore right? i just want you to understand how it feels when i dont put the time on my frens but you. it seems so unfair for me when deeds are not return the same way. i have to be calm under any situation as these are challenges from Almighty. i have to be strong. so please get things in mind why i dont wanna ask for a break. i dun want to be a plain looser in a relationship k syg? i dont wish to be old me ani more.and also go against Him. if there is still a way to amend things, i would do it.

stop all these.
im sobbing.

forgive me from the bottom of your heart and accept me for who i am?

letters to you =((

words explain my heart; I LOVE YOU
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Thought of You @1:26 PM



Wednesday, July 18, 2007'♥

What is the worst thing that you can gain in a relationship? I’m very sure it is going to be a HEARTACHE right? Beside memories? Certainly. I could accept things like we have to go through the thick and thin in a relationship. But the most hazardous situation in a relationship is when one party starts to get YOUR family members involve unintentionally. How do you feel? Rude enough till you feel like going straight to his or her face and slap him/her right? No offence to readers. Just sharing some thought with you guys.


Rest assured that all people hate dwelling with small things in a relationship. They seem so cant-be-bothered. But what do you expect from a party who is devoted to you yet you take things lightly. They are working towards THEIR goal and the other party is having fun, enjoying life? One-sided affair isn’t it?


Hey! I may accept the fact that things may go wrong in certain ways and both are at fault. Stop pointing fingers and asking people to change when you are just changing just for the sake of making me smile and later on back to square one AGAIN? And what do I have to do NOW? Accept them no matter what? And face the old same thing again? Let me EMPHASISE this to you. Don’t you think I deserve to smile and have some fun at the same time? Put yourself in my shoes; how do you feel? You told me you once come across a drama conveying that one has to be the water. I’m sick and tired of being one. But can things be settled when both are the fire? Any initiative? You’re asking me to do it again? That is totally absurd! Can I see the soft side of you?


Reflect on the last fight we had; the one which I ask for a break. And when I tend to take back my words, what did you say? Wah! Senang2 ckp break abe sekarang nk tarik balik u nye kate2 bile me dah sedih? What if I imply this back to you? Your heart sank isn’t it? So the best thing we can conclude from the fight is ONLY SAY THINGS THAT YOU MEAN. When there is no other ways to solve things out, negotiate with the other party and find ways to solve the problem faced. There is always a solution to problems. Nothing is impossible in this world. IT TAKES BOTH HANDS TO CLAP! Stop being too narrow-minded and think nothing else but only your feelings. If you still have this in mind, go and lead your life in the cave okay? Nobody will disturb you and you can enjoy your life with what the nature has to give you. Define the term relationship and love to me. Or should I get this in your head. It seems like you can’t get it.


You have watched Spiderman 3 with your friends’ right? Remember the granny told peter, if you want to marry Mary Jane, you have to be ready to put her before yourself and your friends. Doesn’t that define relationship? If you still think of enjoying and don’t want to involve yourself in a relationship, then what is the point of our 8 months? Where have all your dreams go to? Your inspiration? The way you want to plan for your future baby? Where is it? Gone down the drain now? Or was it meant to be ONLY a dream? And love, it is something that can’t be forced yet come by themselves. Yet others don’t have the right to make you stop from loving someone?


My life is filled with wrath. Living in an agony and tormented. Is this what we really want things to be?


Questions to you : is this what you call love? When you are putting others before me?


UNREQUITED LOVE.


Thought of You @10:00 AM



Monday, July 16, 2007'♥

i cant stand it anymore.
it kills me evrytime when those tings came.
i paid least attention on my work and all i wanted to do is to rest.
rest more than wad is required.
im going home soon.
not because that the lesson is bored.
but this sickness is killing me.
and put me to no mood.
with the mood-swing im in now, i would let out my anger to those innocent people.
hurl vulgarities when they did nothing wrong.
i would liketo apologise first if im going to hurt u later.
i hope you understand the situation im in now.

ais, i am so clueless right now. we have not been fighting for days and im proud of it. but i just cant seem to figure out why am i crying whenever im all alone. do you have the answers to it? skeptical position where nothing can be done. let the answer come by itself. i just dont wish to lose another you. you seem so perfect to me. looking at your face will put me to tears. guilty? im not. i did nothing wrong to you did i? then why am i crying? omg! this better be good man. i dont wish things to go wrong for the both of us. i just want you and nothing else for now. you are the best medicine when im down with the rest.

i have poured everything to you yesterday. i hope you perceives it and know what lies behind those tears and words. its you whom i can turn to when im down. ure the only one who really understand how i feel. i just hate being myself for those cruelty done to you. and im so sorry for that bb.

forgive me?

Thought of You @10:19 AM



Thursday, July 12, 2007'♥

I came across a guy whose age is approximately 16. He looks like a humpty-dumpty [sorry but I did not mean to criticize him]. As far as I am concern, at that age, guys normally have reached their puberty age. You know what I mean. *sinister smile*. The moment he entered the cab, his face looks anxious as if he is playing a scavenger hunt. He walked to and fro within that cabin. Looking out of the window and mumble to himself. He seems weird and it is scary.


Only then he came running in the cabin and shouted, ‘ aku lapar, aku lapar!’ everybody looked at him including me, emotionless. Questions are all over in my head. ‘What the hell is this guy up to?’ that was when I wanted to giggle but come to think again, it is rude to laugh at someone with mental disorder.


It is even scary when he come close to me, and said, ‘kite rock beb’ and he keep on mumbling to himself. I took off my earphone and listen more. He keep on saying,’ aku kan dah kate rock, asl ko degil. Ko tk paham bahase ehk?’ and he imitate the actions of playing a guitar. I wanted to laugh my heads off but I pity him. It was scary then. I wanted to breakdown to tears. You imagine: someone like him came to you and say things which is totally irrelevant. At first, I thought it was okay till when he came and stand in front of me. I try to calm myself down and pretend nothing happened.


However, what makes me think he is special was when he knows where he stays even though he has mental disability. You get what I mean? That was his specialty. God has given him the ability to do things his own way though he seems so weird in other people’s eye. I shall be thankful to God for giving me the perfect senses in life and should never bargain and keep asking for more. I should also try my best to refrain myself from doing things which God forbid us from doing. And to the guy whom I came across in the MRT yesterday, I hope you lead a happy life in the mere future. Never give up in whatever you do because God dislikes people who love to give up. Get it? Thank you.


Baby, I admire your words yesterday when we messaged yesterday. You seem so perfect to me. I love the words that you confess to me. I hope you really mean what you say. At first, I thought you were out of your mind when you messaged me those mushy-mushy words. I also thought that it was just another sweet talk of yours [ no offence]. But come to think again, it was true. Sometimes your little2 reactions proves to me how much you mean to me. I just love the way you are now. Please don’t go under any circumstances. May God bless our relationship. I just love you so.

yana, youve got to be strong in watever you do. remember: those are just challenges from God. so no matter what, we have to be strong and try to all those obstacles with faith. there are more challenges to come. ok? i have my imperfections but what friends are for right? never always think that you are all alone when he disappears. you will always have me. you can count on me.
trust me.


Ok go.


Thought of You @1:25 PM



Wednesday, July 11, 2007'♥

Monday: I went to meet him after school. We were supposed to go to the gym but he is not feeling well. And frankly, I shall say that I’m looking forward to go to the gym. I went back home straight and prayed and bring books along to MacDonald and mug on my chemistry. I am so in love with science right now. Later on at night, Haikal, Dan, Ahmad and Safari came down. And we made a hell of noise there. Laugh here and there. Hubby misses them so much after so long of not meeting the as a whole. Reach home at 2230 and do a little bit of studying before I dozed off.

Tuesday: Met him after school. We went off to MacDonald and study again. I did POA and mathematics. Head off at 2200. It was a short day spent with him but it was great. I better start mugging before regretting.

To whom it may concern.I am sorry for not spending much time with you. I need to study before it is too late. I hope you understand my situation. I can’t afford to disappoint my mother again. Anyways, you will always be in my heart no matter. Trust me.

Baby, you have been great these few days but stricter a bit la. I will watch my diet, no worries. I love the way you treat me. But please, don’t go wild because I’m afraid that one day I would do things which are not up to expectation and disrespect you. Or should I say that I might take you for granted one day again. So the best is to put things just the way it was meant to be. We have been doing great this few days and your little reaction shows how much you love me. More commitments right? It is proven dear. Thanks baby. It is much appreciated. I want more.

I’m going off to ICA to collect my IC. I can’t wait after two years of bringing passport wherever I go to. Even to watch movies. And I remember those days when it comes to examination; Fareez would come to my table and disturb me. “Bul, lepas ni nak pegi johor per?” And I would be like, “eh, jahat la ko nie”. Now that I’m gaining another asset of mine, I would be extra careful and not be careless anywhere. And no more disturbing k baby? Those were the days when we were friends. Now that, I have you in my life, I just need you and nothing else. You have brightened up my life and light up the pathway. Thanks for your guidance baby.

Thought of You @11:32 AM



Tuesday, July 10, 2007'♥

My weekend was a tragedy and awesome at the same time. Mom went off to JB on Friday and I was all alone at home then. I messaged my sister and only get to find out that she was admitted to the hospital. I broke down to tears the moment I’ve reached home because never do I expect things to happen in such a manner. I thought of slacking around with my sister and enjoy but to no avail. I was totally in the blue. Thought of going to the gym tomorrow but it was cancelled.

Saturday: I meet baby at noon and head off to KK hospital to visit my sister. I brought along things that she asked me to. I sat beside her and talk to her about what had happened, and she told me everything. I was sad but I don’t wish to show that to her. ‘Some things are better left unsaid’. That is it. I don’t wish to drag things about my sister.

After that, I went off to woodlands and accompany baby to his cousin’s house to attend to an engagement. His families are so great. They talked to me a lot and we cracked up jokes here and there.

Head off to his house to grab his things and back to my home to change clothes. Head off to his aunt’s house and overnight there. I slept at around 6. His cousins and me played card games and cracked jokes AGAIN.

So many things happen on that very day. But I don’t wish to reveal it. It was a hilarious night. I had fun. I woke up at 1 and baby is not at home. He went off with his cousins to kick some balls around. He reached home at 2. I cooked for his family chicken ketchup. Followed by watching television and back home sweet home.

Thought of You @2:21 PM



Friday, July 06, 2007'♥

I’ve decided to rant because I want to kill the time. I am so stuck right now and I don’t wish to prolong this matter any longer. I guess it is time for me to reveal everything. I had enough of all this shit happening around us fareez. I’m not blaming you for all this shit but you can put the blame on me. I want to put it to a stop, not to break up the bond but to stop all the fight. We have been fighting almost every day for the last 4 days. Imagine it? We have not encountered this before.


I am utterly disappointed for the past few days. Frankly, you can put the blame on me. I was the one who start all the fight and dwell over small thing. I just can’t seem to figure out what is with me right now. I know, I’m not the old Shaheda whom you used to know. Who would never give up to fight, try to settle things down and be patient at all times. But now, I am self-centred, shout at you when you did not even make any mistakes. I would hurt you and left you all alone. You suffered a breakdown. I believe in karma deary, so do you? And it is happening now right? I know. So I just want you to be patient and calm yourself throughout the obstacles. I will change and be the old me. I will, mark my words this time round please. I even hate myself for hurting you that bad. I know I am so cruel for doing those things to you.
We have made this far. We have been through thick and thin together. So don’t put it to a stop and just leave us with all those memories. Remember, what we want in the future? I’m going to work for it.


Yana! I’m so ecstatic when you and mas were together! I hope things remain just the way you wanted to. You will have my support. I will always be there for you. Listen to your heart. I love you just like my sister.


And to the bitch who is messing around with yana, you have to face me then. Please grow up and get a life! Stop being too jealous. And try to pick up a hobby aite? I don’t wish to discriminate you. But please be more sensible and civilize. Stop being a narrow-minded, you are just being immature. Haha.


Thought of You @12:02 PM



Thursday, July 05, 2007'♥

theres nothing much to talk about i guess? Lols

boredom kills i guess, that's why i'm here ranting.

problem after problem. it is a head and heart ache.

i cant stand it at times.

i have been trying my best to make things go on just the way it should be but to no avail.

it seems clueless to my own habit that i'm in now.

ill rebel whenever he say thinks that make sense, but im just being self-centred.

and i will retaliate and hurt him even more.

that is SO NOT ME!

i cant even accept the fact that i end up with this behaviour.

i was left in doubts about my ownself.

people keep on telling me that we know ourselves better, but i dont seem to.

and im sitting here all alone with nothing else to do but to pray.

hoping that this attitude of hurtin someone will just deplete.


ais.

im realli sorry for hurting you.

i know i shouldnt do that to you.

i know you were stunned when i reacted that way.

i just need your help to clear all these thing.

i want things to be like before.

i brokedown to tears when i reacted to u that way.

u did nothing wrong.

but its just me.

ME.

i want to stop all the fights.

i am mentally exhausted.

we keep on fighting evry now and then.

till when shall we fight?




Thought of You @9:40 AM



Monday, July 02, 2007'♥

my weekend break was awesome.
i enjoyed my life to the fullest during the weekend.
i was out for two consecutive days yet my mother don't scold me.
she asked me to study well.
yes momy, i will do it.
i know you have sacrificed a lot for me. you did it in front of my eyes and ue proven me enough how much you love me.
it is painful to see you do that. ill pay you back for your deeds.
you are just the best mother on earth!

saturday.
my SA( sorry dear for calling you that; ok ill shut it off) fetch me at rd 12++
we were like so committed wearing the same coloured clothe, pants and slippers.
we head off to marsiling to accompany him to his aunt house.
and i never know that it happen again. *blush*
after which, we head off to meet Bai to get our money back.
we intended to watch soccer Singapore vs. Australia but the ticket is so expensive.
so we cancelled the plan off.
we headed off to suntec city and attended my friend's berfdae party.
we chit-chat, crap around, sing a few songs.
we head off to esplanade and meet kip, fyra, ahmad and hafiz.
we went to boat quay and chill by the river. we head home at 10.

sunday.
woke up and do housechores followed by a little bit of chemistry.
prayed and head off to mit dearie.
only when i reached lakeside, he went out of his house. *peng*
but nemind.
he was there 10 mins later, which is faster than expected.
then we went to jurong point' s library.
i do chemistry while he use my lappy.
then at 6++, we head off to JP to watch transformer.
now, i have to tell you this.
i dont regret paying 9.50 for that movie. trust me, it is worth watching.
im loving it. and i don't regret to watch it the second time.
then he head off home.

and im missing him badly right now.
i wonder when can we meet up again?
i hope real soon.
cause im missing him badly.
im so craving for it.
aniwae, im going to perform this tuesdae.
so it better be good aite.
take care peeps.
post soon.

yana, ure a great fren man.
hehe
SERONOK~ HAHA
bye.

Thought of You @1:09 PM







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